If You Only Knew
I am not a stranger to the dark.
To the feelings of drowning, plummeting down, down, down into the deepest depths.
I have Bipolar Depressive Disorder, Type II. This means I have severe changes in mood that lasts days to weeks. Some think it is an "on/off" button that changes your mood throughout the day. That's more like BPD. I have hypomanic episodes and depressive episodes. Just like everyone's fingerprints are different, my bipolar disorder is unique to me. When not on medications, I have long periods of depressive episodes that can last up from weeks to months. Hypomanic episodes happen every week to once a month.
You know that amazing movie "A Beautiful Mind" starring Russell Crowe? Although not entirely true to the nature of mental illnesses, it touched me. I related to the feelings of losing my mind without medications, but also losing my mind with them. During my hypomanic episodes I felt free. Not only did I not feel sad anymore, I had energy and my mind felt like it was unlocked. I remember being in a nursing class during an episode and the questions I asked were astronomically complex. (My poor nursing professors) I studied for hours and hours that day, understanding everything. I cleaned my entire house, made meals for my family (I didn't need to eat during these episodes) and stayed up into the wee hours of the night because sleep evaded me. These episodes were phenomenal, to say the least.
So why go on medications? Can't you just push through the depressive episodes until a hypomanic one instead of erasing it all together? Oh, my dear reader, how I tried. I craved hypomanic episodes, and they were amazing when they came. But when they didn't.... when depression came barging through my door and made itself at home, it felt like you were pushed into a deep, dark ocean, dragging you to the bottom where you sat, drowning, begging for air as your life continued to go on without you. At least that's what depression said. "Life will go on without you. The world will keep turning, people will heal, and you will finally be free." The unthinkable would become options, and then the only option.
I wanted it to stop; No, I needed it to stop. I needed to come up for air even if it meant I wouldn't breathe again. It didn't matter that I had a husband and two boys. It didn't matter that I had friends and other family members who loved me. They would move on, as so many of us do. Or would they?
(I want to hug the old me. To tell her she's safe and that it will get better. Not perfect, never perfect, but better.)
I was a phone call away from doing something drastic and life-ending on July 4th of 2018. My sister was visiting with her family, and I thought it would soften the blow to have someone else there when my husband found my body. One phone call that I knew, if answered, would be my sign to stop what I was planning. I had gone home from my SIL's house to grab something, and I remember a voice telling me to drive to the ER. That what I was thinking and planning was an emergency. I ignored it and listened to depression that seemed to have a permanent place in my mind. "They deserve better. And you are not it. Do this to help them be free."
** I will not, nor ever say what I was planning on doing to end my life.
That same voice who told me to go to the ER told me to call someone if only to say goodbye. I was so afraid. I loved my family, and I was doing this not only to be free, but to help them. So, I called.
They answered.
That saved my life that night.
I went back to the house where everyone was and couldn't decide if I felt relieved or guilt that I didn't do it. With the help of my husband in the next few weeks I saw my psychiatrist and it was determined that because of my drastic highs and lows, I would start an antipsychotic that would help change my life.
Regrettably, this is not the end of the post.
Fast forward to Winter of 2021, a year and a half since we moved to Idaho. I was working in the Neurology department and my medications didn't seem to be working. We tried different ones, and the side effects were off the charts terrible (Akathisia was one. Trying working a 12-hour shift with that!)
It got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed, tried hurting myself, and thought of not if but when I would take my life. Depression was back and telling me that I didn't deserve all that I had. More importantly, THEY didn't deserve to have someone like me as their wife and mother.
It got to the point where my psychiatrist urged me to go to a mental health facility. I was so scared. Being locked away with nothing was horrifying to think about. The other option he gave was for me to be under supervision 24/7 and my husband, bless his sweet, sweet heart took on that responsibility. I went to work with him every day, to his office, to jobsites, to meetings. He was literally and figuratively by my side the entire time.
I then started Ketamine treatments and boy, what a trip those were. I would go to a small room in my psychiatrist's office where I was given a troche to put under my tongue. Within 20 minutes the effects took place, and I went to a whole other dimension. It had me yelling out for help down the hall, calling my husband Kevin (his name is Cooper) and proclaiming I had gone blind (my eyes were closed). It tasted disgusting, I hated the feeling, but it WORKED. I was finally getting back to stability, where I wasn't crying every day, could get out of bed and take a God-forsaken shower again.
And it all ended happily ever after.
NOT.
Although I haven't had a depressive episode like those ones in nearly 3 years, I still struggle every single day with thoughts of inadequacy and sometimes hopelessness. It is a daily endeavor.
Mental illnesses are as real as physical ones. It's okay to take medications. It's okay to start therapy. It's okay to reach out and say that you need help. If permission is what you are looking for, I give it to you. If you are struggling, it doesn't have to be the end, no matter what those voices are telling you.
I'll tell you what I tell my children every night, in hopes you believe it:
You are amazing.
I need you.
And the world needs you.
Sam
Sometimes I think that I wanna die
I feel so f*cking guilty 'cause God, I'm so lucky to live my life
So I keep all the pain to myself
Losin' faith, but nobody can tell
Mom, I don't want you worried 'cause that would just hurt me
So I pretend I'm fine
What my mind is tellin' me I should do
That I'm drunk and all alone in my room here tonight
I'm too sad to cry, it's true, oh
If you only knew
All the shit my brain is puttin' me through
You'd come runnin' over straight to my room here tonight
I'm sorry, but I need you, oh
If you only knew
I'm constantly overwhelmed
Now I'm falling again, gettin' drunk with some friends
It's a silent cry for help
That I can't do this on my own
What my mind is tellin' me I should do
That I'm drunk and all alone in my room here tonight
I'm too sad to cry, it's true, oh
If you only knew
All the shit my brain is puttin' me through
You'd come runnin' over straight to my room here tonight
I'm sorry, but I need you, oh
Oh, somebody help
Take me outta this hell
Oh, I'm not myself
That I'm drunk and all alone in my room here tonight
I'm too sad to cry, but I want to
Oh, if you only knew"
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