O God, Where art Thou?
I grew up in the LDS faith. I was blessed as a baby, baptized at 8 years old and served a mission at 21. I attended Brigham Young University-Idaho and there I met my husband, and we were married and sealed in the Salt Lake temple. Typical, straight-as-a-lace, Mormon.
Until I wasn't.
In a previous post I wrote about being bipolar and how I had signs and symptoms of this disorder in high school. Accompanied with that was a lot and I mean, A LOT of anxiety. Especially separation anxiety. This paired with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome made me a perfect candidate (NOT) to go on an 18-month mission to Nashville, TN away from my family and my doctors. Granted, I hadn't been officially diagnosed with either of these disorders, so I looked good on paper.
I lasted 8 months.
8 months before my body said enough was enough. 8 months before my mind said enough was enough. At the time, you could only email your family once a week for 1 hour. I would SOB at the library computer when my hour was up. My first companion had been out 5 1/2 weeks in her mission when she was assigned to train me. And we were opening/starting a new area of the mission. 6 weeks later I was training a new missionary in a different area. 5 weeks after that I was called to be in a leadership position for the mission. I was beyond overwhelmed and stressed. I started having immense pain in my back and went to several doctors and physical therapy to try and fix it. Nothing worked. I felt bad for calling my mom to explain to her what was going on. And when we decided it would be best if I went home 8 months in, I was devastated. I felt like a failure in all the senses.
My anxiety didn't really kick in until I was home. I couldn't leave the house. I would hide when people from the church would come and visit me. I couldn't be left alone because of fear. I couldn't talk about my mission. I couldn't write about my mission. I had nightmares that I was back on my mission and that I would have to come home early all over again. I distanced myself as far as I could from the people from my mission.
I couldn't understand why God would prompt me to go on a mission when He knew I wouldn't make it even a year.
I met Cooper at school Spring the next year and we were married and sealed in August of 2014. Shortly after, Cooper was called to serve in the Bishopric in a Young Single Adult ward. I was told by the Stake President that I was not permitted to attend church with my new husband, that I would have to attend a family ward by myself every Sunday. I was pregnant at the time with Tayson, and I remember not being able to zip up my dresses because of my belly. I grew to loathe Sundays.
After Kyler was born in 2017, we moved to Blanding, UT to start our out-of-college journey. That's when the questions started to arise. There were changes in the church that I didn't agree with, and my doubt overcame my beliefs. I stopped going to church. I lost my faith. I honestly felt way less anxiety not going to church. There was no more pressure to be a certain type of way. I could just, be.
I decided to focus on my relationship with God and Jesus Christ outside of religion. Did they even exist? What does their existence mean to me? Do they really love me despite what I choose?
I believed in the power of being a good person. Being someone like Jesus Christ. Serving and loving with no agenda, with no judgement.
We moved to Idaho in May of 2020. I started going back to church with my family. I wanted my children to be taught by others about Jesus Christ. I tried to teach and show who and what Christ meant to me. Cooper and I would teach about the scriptures and what the stories mean and how we can apply them to ourselves. Tayson even chose to be baptized when he turned 8.
On February 26th, 2025, I had a dream. I've always known God speaks to me through dreams and this was one of those moments. I saw myself back at the temple. When I woke up my thought was "that was really random and weird" and went about my day not giving it any more thought. Two days later on the 28th I woke up from the same dream. It was so vivid I mentioned it to Cooper, saying I've had the same dream twice and I'm not sure what it means, but not to get his hopes up. 3 days later I had the EXACT SAME DREAM. This time it woke me up. And I knew that it was time to return to full activity to the church and go back to the temple. The next night I met with my Bishop and the following night with a member of the Stake Presidency. Within one week of having my first dream, I became a temple recommend holder again. It so happened that I decided to start paying my tithing the week before. It so happened that I stopped drinking coffee at the beginning of the year. My Bishop has known me and my story since we moved here. I answered the recommend questions openly and honestly. I had been striving to become more like Christ for years.
It has been 6 years since I have been to the temple. 6 years of semi-activity from the church, but 6 years in learning who and what God and Jesus Christ mean to me. That relationship is the foundation of my faith.
Some think that God is just hiding in the shadows waiting for us when we stray from Him when in reality, He is ALWAYS walking with us. And He always will, no matter what our choices are. He loves us. Period. End of story.
At the beginning of the year, I chose the song "Oceans" as my song of the year. Little did I know the amount of faith I would have to have this year.
And it's only just begun.
Sam
Oceans
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, You are mine
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine, oh
(And You are mine, oh)
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour
Oh, Jesus, You're my God
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
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